1 00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:08,550 ["Everybody Needs A Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 2 00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:16,725 ? My words are lazy ? ? My thoughts are hazy ? 3 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,728 ? But this is one thing ? ? I'm sure of ? 4 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:23,440 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 5 00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,984 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 6 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,904 [???] 7 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,036 -Where does this guy live anyway? 8 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,288 -Brookline. -Man, he must be fuckin' loaded. 9 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,706 -Goddamn right he's loaded. 10 00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,416 He's a big shot lawyer. 11 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:43,376 Guy's got more money than he knows what to do with. 12 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:44,544 -Well, how long's this gonna take? 13 00:00:44,669 --> 00:00:46,504 Jerry Springer's got white supremacists on, 14 00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:47,881 and those are always the best ones. 15 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,508 -I think they intentionally find the lightest chairs. 16 00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,385 -It'll take the time it takes. 17 00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:53,845 Jesus Christ, how many times have I asked you 18 00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:55,388 to come and help me on a job? 19 00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:56,973 -Five thousand. -That's right. Zero. 20 00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,059 This is a very important client. 21 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:01,436 So when we're there, no screwin' around. 22 00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,981 -Hey, Johnny, when we get there, let's screw around. 23 00:01:05,106 --> 00:01:08,026 [???] 24 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,115 John: Man, you weren't joking, dad. 25 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,992 This guy's driveway is the length of our street. 26 00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:19,287 Matty: Yeah, well, big house, big lawn, big problems. 27 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:20,747 -What problems? 28 00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:23,124 -Well, with the house so far back from the street, 29 00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:25,460 they're probably not tied into the city sewage line. 30 00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:27,629 I bet you $20 they had to put a septic tank up there. 31 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,297 No. Thank you. 32 00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:30,507 -You're jealous. 33 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,550 -No, I'm not. -You are. 34 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:33,551 You're jealous of their money, 35 00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:34,886 and now you're jealous of their poop. 36 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:36,680 -I am not jealous of their poop. 37 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:39,182 -It gets its own private tank. And that drives you crazy. 38 00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:40,266 -That's elite poop. 39 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:41,643 -You guys want me to turn this car around 40 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:42,769 right now, huh? 41 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:43,812 Want me to take you both home 42 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:44,854 right fuckin' now? 43 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:46,898 -Oh, yeah. -Actually, yeah. 44 00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:48,358 -Yeah. -Yeah, that'd be fantastic. 45 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:49,484 -Well, I'm not gonna. 46 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,279 -Their poop is better than your body. 47 00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:54,239 -Shut up! 48 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:57,242 [???] 49 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:09,754 [knocking] 50 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:13,800 Hi, I'm Matty Bennett. 51 00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:16,052 I'm here to install the wireless dog fence. 52 00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:18,013 -Oh, yes. Of course. 53 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,265 I'm Mrs. Robichek. My husband said you'd be by. 54 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,933 But I'm afraid he's already left. 55 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:23,685 But feel free to get started. 56 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,270 -All right. Well, I can install the fence today 57 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,354 and fit the collar next week. 58 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:27,397 -That's perfect. 59 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:28,898 We're getting the dog on Thursday. 60 00:02:29,024 --> 00:02:30,567 -By the way, you probably get this a lot, 61 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,528 but, uh, are you guys tied 62 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:36,031 to the city sewage line, or do you have a septic tank? 63 00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:37,574 -I don't know. 64 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,075 -Huh. 65 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,827 Well, rich or poor, 66 00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:43,246 we all spend two hours a day on the toilet. 67 00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:45,290 Stool's the great equalizer. 68 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:47,417 Benjamin Franklin said that. 69 00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,336 In fact, until 1940, 70 00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,129 that's what it said on the back of the dime. 71 00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:54,382 -Well, you can get started. 72 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:59,054 Hey, there. Can I get you boys some iced tea? 73 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:02,223 -Uh... 74 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,391 -Johnny! Move it! 75 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:04,476 We got work to do. 76 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,775 [rumbling] 77 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,196 -Jesus Christ. 78 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,739 I've never seen a woman that beautiful 79 00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,157 in my entire life. 80 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,368 -Well, don't look now, but she's staring at you. 81 00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:23,161 -What? Seriously? -I said don't look! 82 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,288 Hey, you know what? Take your shirt off. 83 00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:27,165 -What? No. Why? 84 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,500 -You know why she's looking at you? 85 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:29,334 'Cause her husband's probably 86 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,835 some fuckin' old hairy guy. 87 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,337 His back probably looks like 88 00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,422 the floor of a barbershop, but you, 89 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,883 you're sleek and hairless, like a baby dolphin. 90 00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:38,593 -Hey, I got some chest hairs coming in. 91 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:40,679 -Bullshit. You're about as hairy as a pack of batteries. 92 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:41,763 Come on, give her a show. 93 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:43,014 -Oh, fuck off! 94 00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,183 -Aha! I found the septic line. 95 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,935 They probably have a tank over there 96 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,646 with a 12-inch pipe splitting off to all the toilets. 97 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,856 Think they're too good to mix with our stools? 98 00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:53,525 [laughs] Well, I'll show them. 99 00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:57,320 -What does he mean by "I'll show them"? 100 00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,989 -Whatever it is, we should probably be prepared to testify. 101 00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:05,328 [John groans] 102 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:06,705 [mumbles, chuckles softly] 103 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,457 [laughing] 104 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,002 -Johnny. -[laughing] 105 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,462 -Johnny. -What? 106 00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:16,923 Oh. 107 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:18,800 Oh, I was dreaming about Mrs. Robichek. 108 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,010 -Oh, yeah? 109 00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:21,636 -Yeah, we were in this, uh, 110 00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,513 this colonial village, and she was just there 111 00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,015 churning butter. 112 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,558 It was so hot. 113 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,309 And I was there jerking off at it. 114 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:31,438 -At it? -Yeah. Why? 115 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,773 -That's a, that's just a weird preposition. 116 00:04:33,898 --> 00:04:35,692 Makes it sound like you're firing cum at her. 117 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,444 -Jerking off about it? 118 00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:39,154 -I don't know, they both sound wrong. 119 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,573 Also, last week, didn't you have a dream 120 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,408 where Cindy Crawford was naked 121 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,577 and she said, "I want you so bad," 122 00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:47,537 so you ran home and jacked off? 123 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:48,872 -Yeah, that was so hot. 124 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,540 -But, like, in your dream, 125 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,125 you went home and jacked off 126 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,626 Like, you're supposed to actually get laid 127 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,587 in your dreams, but you went home. 128 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:57,130 -Yeah, I, I didn't have a condom. 129 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,090 What was I supposed to do? -What? 130 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:00,258 -I don't wanna get her pregnant 131 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:01,676 and derail her modeling career. 132 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,094 -It's your dream. 133 00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:04,637 She should be doing whatever the hell you want. 134 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,056 -She was cool when I helped her move. 135 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:07,849 -In your fucking dream? 136 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,643 -I gotta go back to sleep and drive her to the airport. 137 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,354 -I think you're being taken advantage of. 138 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,522 -I'll tell you who's getting taken advantage of: 139 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:16,149 Cindy Crawford, 140 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,985 in my fantasy, while I'm jacking off in my dream. 141 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,195 -Jesus. 142 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,113 You're like the Philip K. Dick of dicks. 143 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,075 Susan: How about that? Matty: No. 144 00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:27,369 -No. Susan: You got it. 145 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,536 Matty: I can't. 146 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:32,207 Oh. [groans loudly] 147 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,085 Fuckin' forget it. 148 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,171 -It's all right, Matty. -No, it's not all right, Susan. 149 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,381 it's fuckin' humiliating. 150 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:42,092 -Maybe you're just tired or stressed. 151 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:43,301 -Of course I'm stressed. 152 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,178 I'm working my ass off day in and day out, 153 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,638 and we're still barely scraping by. 154 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:47,889 Who the fuck wouldn't be stressed? 155 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,310 -Have you tried thinking about Carl Yastrzemski? 156 00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:53,561 -It's the first thing I did. 157 00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:55,897 -What about Reagan 158 00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:59,359 when he asked Gorbachev to tear down the wall? 159 00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:00,652 -Nothing. 160 00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:03,196 -[mimicking Reagan] "Well, Mr. Gorbachev, 161 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:06,074 tear down that wall." 162 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,576 -Susan, I don't want to think about things going down. 163 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:11,705 -Maybe you should call the doctor. 164 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:15,375 -You know, we may be in the financial shithouse. 165 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,168 We got one thing going for us. 166 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,088 We're still on the city sewage line. [chuckles] 167 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,632 Whatever comes out of us, one flush 168 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:23,925 and it's off our plate. 169 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,095 [sighs] -You should call the doctor. 170 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,474 [???] 171 00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:34,060 [telephone rings] 172 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,103 -Hello. 173 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,396 -Mr. Bennett, 174 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:38,523 this is Mrs. Robichek from yesterday. 175 00:06:38,648 --> 00:06:41,276 -Oh. Hey. Everything workin' okay? 176 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,237 -Oh, everything's fine, but I feel so stupid. 177 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,448 I wrote your check from the wrong account. 178 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,616 Would it be possible for me to give you a new one? 179 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:49,868 -Yeah. No problem. 180 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,202 I-I'll send Johnny over. 181 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:53,663 -Um, would you mind sending over 182 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,123 the little bear instead? 183 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:56,958 -Whatever you say. 184 00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,961 Hey, Ted! 185 00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:03,006 -Well, I don't understand. Why'd she ask for you? 186 00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,216 -I don't know, maybe she's looking for the scoop on you. 187 00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,677 Maybe she wants to bang you, and she thinks I'm your pimp. 188 00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:09,054 -Why would she think that? 189 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:10,347 -'Cause I'm always wearing fur 190 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:11,556 and you look like a bitch. 191 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,641 -What? -Or maybe she wants you, 192 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,518 but she wants to make sure you won't blab about it. 193 00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,355 -Well, tell her I can keep a secret and then do this. 194 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,484 -Yeah, that's, uh... No fingers. 195 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:23,526 -Oh, yeah. Right. 196 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:24,694 -Oh, what if I just go 197 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,196 ee-ah-ee-ah-ee-ah? 198 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:27,781 -Oh, yeah. That's good. 199 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,408 Man. Can't believe pretty soon 200 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,785 I'm gonna be looking at a woman, 201 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,995 then running home to jerk off in real life. 202 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:37,540 [???] 203 00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:48,593 [knocking] 204 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,725 -Uh, hello? 205 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,394 [door thuds] 206 00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,020 -Hello, Theodore. 207 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:02,774 -Oh, uh, it's, it's just Ted. 208 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,110 -I'm sure everybody calls you Ted. 209 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,612 I wanna have a special name for you 210 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,280 that only I get to use. 211 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,370 I like... Theodore. 212 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:18,707 -Yeah. Um, Matty says I'm supposed to pick up a check. 213 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,250 -Yes, you are. 214 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,963 -That's a pretty weird place to keep a checkbook. 215 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,053 [???] 216 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,933 Ah, thanks. 217 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,812 Wow. That's the good stuff, huh? 218 00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,732 -Oh, we have the good stuff, all right. 219 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,776 Expensive liquor, expensive food, 220 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,361 expensive furniture. 221 00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:51,197 We even have outdoor pillows. -Wow. 222 00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,866 -And we don't even bring them in at night. 223 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,952 -Fuck me. 224 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:59,873 -But there's never anyone here to enjoy it with me. 225 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:04,586 I get so lonely rattling around this big ol' place. 226 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,338 -Yeah, I was just, uh, saying that yesterday 227 00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:07,922 to my, uh, coworker. 228 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,799 -Oh, yes, there was that other fellow. 229 00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,177 What was his name again? 230 00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,721 -I, I forget his name, actually. 231 00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,514 He's just one of the guys from the crew. 232 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,808 You know, married, big family, AIDS. 233 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:22,354 -Even when my husband is here, he's not really here. 234 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,523 He's always off working, 235 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:26,941 always off in his head somewhere. 236 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:28,818 You know what I mean? 237 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,820 -Ee-ah-ee-ah-ee-ah. 238 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,113 -What? -Nothing. 239 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,449 That was just so I don't have to lie to a friend. 240 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,785 -You look tense. 241 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,620 Here, let me help. 242 00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:40,288 -Oh. 243 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,957 Ohh, shit. 244 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,793 -Just relax. 245 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,545 -Hey. You-your, uh, your husband's not home, right? 246 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,798 -Nobody here but us chickens. 247 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,425 Cluck, cluck. 248 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,053 -Well, I hope you like sucking... [clucking] 249 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,097 -What? -Sorry, this is 250 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:58,682 my first chicken-themed flirt. 251 00:09:58,807 --> 00:09:59,974 I was just trying stuff out. 252 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:01,976 -Come here. 253 00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:06,731 [soft romantic music playing] 254 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:17,826 -I can't believe you missed your flight. 255 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:18,910 [door slams open] 256 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,329 -Mrs. Robichek is a goddess. 257 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,163 -How'd it go? 258 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,082 -Oh, it went, buddy, it went. 259 00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:25,250 -Well, did you talk me up? 260 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,544 -Johnny, I tried, I really tried, 261 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,087 but she just did not care. 262 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,422 Uh, I don't know, there's some rumor 263 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,840 going around town that you got AIDS. 264 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,425 M-maybe that was a factor, I don't know. 265 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:34,926 It was just very little interest. 266 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,553 -Oh. Ted: On the other hand, 267 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,179 guess who has two thumbs, 268 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:41,224 no fingers, and just made out with Mrs. Robichek. 269 00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:43,101 -What? You're kiddin'. 270 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:44,477 -I don't know what happened. 271 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:45,770 I walk in the door, and next thing I know, 272 00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,647 half my face is in her mouth. 273 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,649 Hey, listen, don't be mad at me, okay? 274 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,861 -Mad? Teddy, this is epic. -I know, right? 275 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,320 And I'm gonna see her again tomorrow. 276 00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:55,697 -You gotta tell me what happens. 277 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,115 -Oh, I will. 278 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,575 Meantime, I hope your dad doesn't try 279 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,368 to smell this check. 280 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,538 [???] 281 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,584 -So, what is it today, Matty? Pooping too much or not at all? 282 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:10,253 -No, no, nothing like that. It's something embarrassing. 283 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,463 -What's the problem? 284 00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:16,384 -The corn ain't growing. 285 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,098 You-- you know, you know what I'm telling you? 286 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:24,768 [sighs] 287 00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:29,230 I can't raise the flag over Fort Balls. 288 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:33,151 Jesus Christ, my wang won't work. 289 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,403 -Ah. Is this a urinary issue? 290 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,821 -Oh! I wish. 291 00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:38,448 I-I can piss like a racehorse, 292 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:40,909 but I couldn't get an erection if you put a knife to my throat. 293 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,994 -Well, we'll never know that for sure. 294 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,747 Now, we can treat the physical causes of impotence, 295 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,208 but there's usually a psychological component as well. 296 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,210 Are you under any elevated stress? 297 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,795 -Yeah. Not being able to get a boner 298 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:52,921 is pretty fuckin' stressful! 299 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:54,214 -Yes, it is. 300 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,465 And then that stress will prevent you 301 00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:56,800 from getting another one. 302 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,177 It's a paradox we call Schr�dinger's boner. 303 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:01,096 -Did you even go to medical school? 304 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,765 -Worry a little less about me, limp dick. 305 00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,519 [???] 306 00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:11,981 -Blaire, I need a favor. 307 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:13,441 -Um, knock, please. 308 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,026 -Look, I'm not gonna bore you with the details, 309 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,403 but I need to borrow your car. 310 00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:18,988 -Okay, well, a few details wouldn't hurt. 311 00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:20,240 Why do you need my car? 312 00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:21,491 -Okay, so two days ago, 313 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:22,450 me and Teddy helped Dad out 314 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,077 with a big job over in Brookline, 315 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:26,246 and there was this smoking hot woman, Blaire. 316 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,539 -And I had to go back over there yesterday 317 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:28,832 to get the check, and let's just say 318 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,792 I ended up getting a lot more than a check. 319 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,210 [both laughing] 320 00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:33,336 -And now he's been invited back 321 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:34,462 for sexual seconds. 322 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,006 -Wow. Okay. 323 00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:37,841 Uh, what's her name? 324 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:40,051 -Her name is Mrs. Robichek. 325 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,804 -Wait. What? She's married? 326 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,472 -Well, yeah, but I'm assuming not happily, 327 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,433 or she wouldn't have stuck her tongue down my throat. 328 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,768 -Ted, you can't be party to an affair. 329 00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:50,645 Uh, you're messing with someone's life. 330 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,439 You're in the middle of someone's marriage. 331 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,732 -I'm not gonna get in the middle of nothing 332 00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:54,858 if you don't loan me your car. 333 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,359 -What about Mr. Robichek? 334 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,360 Have you thought about him? 335 00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:58,820 -Oh, my God, you're right. 336 00:12:58,945 --> 00:12:59,863 I need a lookout. 337 00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:01,531 -No, he is a human being, 338 00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:02,907 and you could ruin his life. 339 00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:04,325 -Well, only if he finds out. 340 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,662 Johnny, would you sit in Blaire's car and be my lookout 341 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,081 while I have dirty bear sex with Mrs. Robichek? 342 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,875 -Teddy, It would be my honor. 343 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,420 -Ted, you asked me for a favor, so I'm going to do you a favor. 344 00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,797 No, you cannot borrow my car. 345 00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,632 -Blaire, if you wanted to borrow my car 346 00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:21,343 so you could go over to some guy's house 347 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,720 and have him knock the bottom out of you, I'd do it. 348 00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,430 -Knock the bottom out? 349 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:26,806 -I don't know, my mind's messed up 350 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,558 'cause I should be over there knocking bottom out. 351 00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:29,726 -Please leave my room. 352 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:32,270 [door opens, closes] 353 00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:36,566 -Matty, how'd it go at the doctor? 354 00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:38,610 -Doc says there's nothing physically wrong with me. 355 00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:39,569 Susan: Oh. -Says I should, 356 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:40,612 I should see a shrink. 357 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:43,448 -Oh, well, that might not be such a bad idea. 358 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,033 -Yeah. Me neither. -Uh-huh. 359 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,202 -You know, why can't I get a fuckin' break, Susan? 360 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,329 You know, it's just one goddamn thing after another. 361 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,955 You know that, that Robichek guy, 362 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:51,998 he's got his own septic tank. 363 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:53,375 -Oh, my. 364 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,668 -Yeah, yeah, sure, 365 00:13:54,793 --> 00:13:55,960 sure, we all pretend that it's better 366 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,295 to be on the city sewage, 367 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,339 but the fact is, he's rolling in fuckin' clover. 368 00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:01,132 You know, he's my age. 369 00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,801 Yeah, we're the same goddamn age. 370 00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:04,177 Look at his life and look at mine. 371 00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:06,805 Maybe I don't want my shit going off to the city. 372 00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,264 Maybe I want it staying right here 373 00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:09,474 under this goddamn house. 374 00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,685 -Matty, you have a wonderful life. 375 00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:13,311 -Half of my paycheck and all of my turds 376 00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:14,479 are going to the fucking government. 377 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,398 -We have such a beautiful house. 378 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,400 -I try holding it in, but I'm weak, Susan. 379 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,693 -I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. 380 00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:21,444 -Oh, forget it. I'm going to watch the game. 381 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:25,907 -I'm making pie. 382 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,497 [indistinct commentary on TV] 383 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,208 -Uh, hey, Dad. -What? 384 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:36,584 -Can we borrow the car? 385 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,336 -I'm involved with a married woman, 386 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,587 and I want to go over to her house 387 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,381 and fuck her while her husband's not home. 388 00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:42,424 -Fine. 389 00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,094 -Uh... thanks. 390 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,304 [???] 391 00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,517 -Zestfully clean, my ass. 392 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,479 [???] 393 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,612 -Okay, if you see anybody, lay on the horn hard. 394 00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:05,905 -Got it. 395 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:08,116 -You're a real pal, Johnny. You know that? 396 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,785 -Hey, a detailed description of every nuance 397 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,912 of Mrs. Robichek's naked body, and we're even. 398 00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:14,497 -What if there's, like, a weird mole? 399 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:15,707 -I wanna know about it. 400 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:17,375 And you should tell her. -Okay. 401 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,710 -Ask her if it's changed recently. 402 00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:19,836 -I'll keep an eye out for anything 403 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,046 with irregular edges. 404 00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:22,172 -And before you leave, make sure 405 00:15:22,297 --> 00:15:23,423 to tell her to start wearing sunscreen. 406 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,051 -Even on cloudy days. -Especially on cloudy days. 407 00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:27,969 -God, does this woman have cancer? 408 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,972 [???] 409 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,064 -Well, hello there, Theodore. 410 00:15:39,189 --> 00:15:40,732 I was just about to run a bath. 411 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:42,567 -Oh. Well, I can come back. 412 00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,986 -Oh, no need to leave. 413 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,321 -Well, I don't wanna be just sitting around like... 414 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,948 Ohh. A sex bath. 415 00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:52,077 Hey, can I ask you something? -Sure. 416 00:15:52,202 --> 00:15:55,580 -I mean, you're so gorgeous. You could have any guy you want. 417 00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:58,458 Why me? -Can I confide in you? 418 00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:00,043 -You can do anything you want in me. 419 00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:02,379 -I learned on a teddy bear. 420 00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:07,175 He was soft and cuddly but had this hard little nose. 421 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:11,012 -Well, I'll tell you, my nose is rock hard right now. 422 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,516 -You know what? I think that's enough talking. 423 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:17,727 [water splashing] 424 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,063 [moans] 425 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,147 [chuckling] 426 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:22,232 [gasps] 427 00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,192 [moans] 428 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,236 [???] 429 00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:30,031 -Arlene. 430 00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:33,076 Can I ask you about something? 431 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,494 -Sure, Susan. 432 00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,621 -I don't know how to say this... 433 00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:40,250 it's between you, me, and the apple tree. 434 00:16:42,043 --> 00:16:43,878 Matty has a problem. 435 00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,714 -Aw. This? 436 00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,966 -Oh, no. 437 00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:51,845 Well, yes, but also in the bedroom. 438 00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:53,596 -Ohh. 439 00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:56,558 Too much or too little? 440 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,435 -None at all. 441 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,020 He can't... 442 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:04,691 You know how sometimes when your foot falls asleep, 443 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:07,360 even if you think about Carl Yastrzemski? 444 00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:10,280 And the doctor says nothing's wrong with him. 445 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:12,949 I don't know what to do. 446 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:17,078 -Yeah, well, unfortunately, honey, this one's on you to fix. 447 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,581 -I've been trying. 448 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,792 I opened up a fresh egg of pantyhose the other day, 449 00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:24,753 he didn't even notice. 450 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,257 -Take a look at this. 451 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:33,219 -Oh, Arlene, I couldn't read a Cosmopolitan. 452 00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:36,598 Arlene: Why not? -We're Catholic. 453 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,726 -Susan, there's a lot of good stuff in there. 454 00:17:39,851 --> 00:17:42,020 It can point you in the right direction. 455 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:46,024 -"Ten titillations to liven up your lovemaking." 456 00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:47,901 -You take that home with you. 457 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,694 My guess is there's something in there 458 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,446 that'll help solve your problem. 459 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,574 -Gonna have to hide this so Matty doesn't find it. 460 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,951 -Do what I do. Put it near the broom. 461 00:17:57,077 --> 00:18:00,622 -Oh. Arlene Goldbaum, you're one hot ticket. 462 00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,791 -Oh. [giggles] 463 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:06,127 [???] 464 00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,548 -Wow, where'd you get a robe my size? 465 00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:12,842 -I had a four-year-old son who died. 466 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,678 -Wh... What? 467 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:17,347 -[laughing] I'm kidding. 468 00:18:18,223 --> 00:18:20,558 -All right, one red flag, but you're still pretty hot. 469 00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:22,519 -No, actually, I had the seamstress 470 00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:23,895 whip it up this morning, 471 00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,648 and I have something else for you too. 472 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,108 -Wh... What is it? 473 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,778 -I thought we could take this to the next level. 474 00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,571 -Well, you know, the Hasbro Corporation 475 00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:35,532 left out one little detail. 476 00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:37,867 -I thought of that. 477 00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:40,286 Hurry up. I wanna see it. 478 00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:42,372 Ted [grunts]: Hang on. Just gettin' it on here. 479 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,918 It does go on the front, right? 480 00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,053 -Mm. [exhales deeply] 481 00:18:57,178 --> 00:18:58,722 That was mind-blowing. 482 00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,181 -Sorry I came so fast. 483 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,142 [both laugh] 484 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,352 No, seriously, I particularly like the part 485 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,604 where you spun me around like a steering wheel. 486 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:09,733 -Hmm. I call that the ten and two. 487 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:12,193 -The ten and two. Nice. 488 00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:14,779 -Next time, how about you wear the dog collar, 489 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:17,240 fuck me near the electric fence? 490 00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:21,036 -Well, that's a second red flag, but, hey, still hot. 491 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,332 ["Closer To Fine" by Indigo Girls playing faintly] 492 00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:28,752 ? Got my paper and I was free ? 493 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:30,462 -Blaire? 494 00:19:31,546 --> 00:19:32,756 -Oh. Hey, Aunt Suse. 495 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:34,090 -You have a minute? 496 00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:36,051 -Yeah, sure. Come on in. 497 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:42,265 -Sorry to bother you, but I need some advice. 498 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,142 -Of course. What's up? 499 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:48,938 -Matty's been having a problem. 500 00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,565 -Okay. What kind of problem? 501 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:55,445 -It's a personal issue in his bathing suit area. 502 00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:57,822 -Oh. -And I've been looking through 503 00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,574 this article on ways to help, 504 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:03,119 but I don't even know what most of these things mean. 505 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:07,290 -Yeah, if... if you promise to never use the phrase, 506 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:10,960 "Matty's bathing suit area" again, I will help you. 507 00:20:11,086 --> 00:20:12,170 -Okay. Blaire: Okay. 508 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:15,632 Um, these are called kinks. 509 00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:18,802 -Well, some of these things don't seem so bad. 510 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:21,888 A pearl necklace, a facial. 511 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,224 Sounds like a day of pampering. 512 00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,892 -Yeah, that's not... Susan: Day at the spa. 513 00:20:26,017 --> 00:20:28,395 -No. It's not what that is at all. 514 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,647 -Now, do people really do this one? 515 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:35,110 -[sighs] I mean, um, I'm sure someone, somewhere. 516 00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:38,405 -I've never even made a fist in anger, let alone-- 517 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,323 -Let's keep looking down this list. 518 00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:42,283 -What's a golden shower? 519 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:46,454 -That is when you go to the bathroom on your partner. 520 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,873 -Oh, my! -Yeah. 521 00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:50,625 -Would we need our own septic tank? 522 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,168 -Okay. What else? 523 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:53,461 What else is on the list? 524 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,171 -Exhibitionism. 525 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:57,007 Is that like at a museum? 526 00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:59,092 -No, that's when, uh, 527 00:20:59,217 --> 00:21:03,304 you are intimate with someone watching. 528 00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:06,808 -I wonder if Matty would like someone else watching. 529 00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:07,851 -I don't know. 530 00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:08,977 -I imagine it'd have to 531 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:10,562 be a Republican. 532 00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:12,814 -You know what? I have an idea. 533 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:16,568 Why don't we put this away and never look at it again? 534 00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:17,652 -All right. Blaire: Okay. 535 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:18,737 -Okay. 536 00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:22,699 What's a ten and two? 537 00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:25,577 [suspenseful music playing] 538 00:21:31,124 --> 00:21:32,542 -Oh, shit! 539 00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:33,668 -[horn blares] -[screams] 540 00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,045 -Oh, balls! 541 00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:36,629 -Why would you do that? 542 00:21:36,755 --> 00:21:39,132 -I am so sorry. I-I didn't see you. 543 00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:41,676 -Look at my groceries. John: I'll-I'll get 'em. 544 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:42,969 Ugh! Jesus. 545 00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:44,512 Did you buy anything that isn't round? 546 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:46,097 -Fuck you! 547 00:21:46,222 --> 00:21:47,932 -You know, I hope you don't think 548 00:21:48,058 --> 00:21:49,351 this is too sudden of me, but... 549 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:51,853 doll's voice: I love you. 550 00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:54,481 -Aw. That's sweet. 551 00:21:54,606 --> 00:21:56,566 -And that's literally from the heart. 552 00:21:56,691 --> 00:21:57,817 -[chuckles] -You know, 553 00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,653 as crazy as it sounds, Mrs. Robichek, 554 00:22:00,779 --> 00:22:02,989 I really am falling in love with you. 555 00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:05,367 And I don't even know your first name. 556 00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:06,409 -You don't? 557 00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,453 [laughs] That's insane. 558 00:22:08,578 --> 00:22:12,165 -Well, Theodore, my name is... 559 00:22:12,290 --> 00:22:14,000 -[door opens] Mr. Robichek: Hon? I'm home. 560 00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:16,169 -Oh, my God, that's my husband. 561 00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:17,754 He wasn't supposed to be back till tomorrow. 562 00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:20,131 [suspenseful music playing] 563 00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:27,681 -Shit, shit, shit, shit! What do we do? 564 00:22:27,806 --> 00:22:30,141 -[Mrs. Robichek sighs] -[grunting in effort] 565 00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:31,601 -Fuckin' thing won't come off. 566 00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:33,311 Mr. Robichek: Where are you? 567 00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:35,105 -Um... I'm-I'm upstairs. 568 00:22:35,230 --> 00:22:36,064 [grunting continues] 569 00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,982 [music continues] 570 00:22:38,108 --> 00:22:38,942 Quick, get under the bed. 571 00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:44,406 [grunting] 572 00:22:44,531 --> 00:22:47,242 [???] 573 00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:49,744 [Ted grunts sharply] 574 00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,496 [panting] 575 00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:55,917 -Where is he? -What are you talking about? 576 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:58,878 -Don't. There are two half-empty glasses downstairs. 577 00:22:59,004 --> 00:23:00,088 Two cigarette butts in the ashtray. 578 00:23:00,213 --> 00:23:02,549 Where the fuck is he? -I can explain. 579 00:23:02,674 --> 00:23:04,175 -I'm gonna kill you, you motherfucker! 580 00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:05,635 You in here? -David, please. 581 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:07,220 -Is he in the bathroom? Huh? 582 00:23:07,345 --> 00:23:09,305 You in the bathroom, you little shit? Huh? 583 00:23:09,431 --> 00:23:10,682 [suspenseful music playing] 584 00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:11,766 Mrs. Robichek: Go, go, go. 585 00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,020 -I swear to Christ, you better tell me where he is 586 00:23:15,145 --> 00:23:16,771 or I'm gonna... 587 00:23:18,815 --> 00:23:20,358 What the fuck is this? 588 00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:24,738 Is that pervert's idea of a romantic gift? Huh? 589 00:23:24,863 --> 00:23:27,157 A teddy bear with a dick on it? 590 00:23:27,282 --> 00:23:28,658 Jesus Christ, Charlotte. 591 00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:29,743 -Charlotte? 592 00:23:29,868 --> 00:23:31,119 Mr. Robichek: I know he's in here. 593 00:23:31,244 --> 00:23:32,912 When I get my hands on that motherfucker, 594 00:23:33,038 --> 00:23:35,874 I'm gonna-- -What? You'll what, David? 595 00:23:35,999 --> 00:23:38,376 Reschedule a conference call? 596 00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:41,129 Cancel a meeting? Ignore your pager? 597 00:23:41,254 --> 00:23:43,006 You won't do shit. 598 00:23:43,131 --> 00:23:44,591 And for your information, 599 00:23:44,716 --> 00:23:46,676 that motherfucker is more of a man in bed 600 00:23:46,801 --> 00:23:48,345 than you'll ever be. 601 00:23:48,470 --> 00:23:50,472 You think about that. 602 00:23:52,474 --> 00:23:53,683 -You're probably right. 603 00:23:55,268 --> 00:23:56,644 I need a drink. 604 00:23:59,689 --> 00:24:00,774 [???] 605 00:24:00,899 --> 00:24:01,733 [exhales] 606 00:24:10,992 --> 00:24:13,411 [dramatic music playing] 607 00:24:15,914 --> 00:24:17,082 -Oh! 608 00:24:20,293 --> 00:24:23,171 [groaning] 609 00:24:23,296 --> 00:24:24,506 -Aw, shit. 610 00:24:27,175 --> 00:24:28,093 I'll keep him busy. 611 00:24:28,218 --> 00:24:29,094 Give me about a minute 612 00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:29,803 and then sneak out the front door. 613 00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:31,054 -Got it. 614 00:24:32,222 --> 00:24:34,891 -All right, here we go. Sorry. 615 00:24:35,350 --> 00:24:38,395 -About time. Jesus! 616 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:39,688 Pinball and soda pop 617 00:24:39,813 --> 00:24:42,357 has turned all you kids into assholes! 618 00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:46,611 [suspenseful music playing] 619 00:24:49,447 --> 00:24:52,492 -Uh, David-- -Don't say anything. Please. 620 00:24:52,617 --> 00:24:54,869 Let's not embarrass ourselves any more than we already have. 621 00:24:55,578 --> 00:24:56,705 [door closes] 622 00:24:56,830 --> 00:24:57,956 That's him. 623 00:24:58,081 --> 00:24:59,708 I'm gonna kill that motherfucker! 624 00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:00,875 -David, wait! 625 00:25:01,001 --> 00:25:02,544 [???] 626 00:25:02,669 --> 00:25:05,088 -Johnny! Johnny! 627 00:25:05,213 --> 00:25:06,715 Johnny, start the car! 628 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,050 [???] 629 00:25:10,093 --> 00:25:11,302 -[engine revs] -[panting] 630 00:25:11,428 --> 00:25:12,637 -What the fuck is that? 631 00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:14,305 -Big purple dick. Go, go, go! 632 00:25:14,431 --> 00:25:15,390 We gotta get the fuck outta here! 633 00:25:17,892 --> 00:25:19,602 -You motherfucker! 634 00:25:20,311 --> 00:25:22,522 PMN 653. 635 00:25:22,647 --> 00:25:24,691 PMN 653. 636 00:25:24,816 --> 00:25:26,943 PMN 653. 637 00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:28,403 [exhales angrily] 638 00:25:31,156 --> 00:25:33,616 -She's flying it. She's flying it herself. 639 00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:38,371 -Climb, baby, climb. 640 00:25:39,706 --> 00:25:40,749 Gloria Swanson: The mountains. -[knock on door] 641 00:25:40,874 --> 00:25:42,375 We're so close. 642 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:43,793 [grunts] 643 00:25:43,918 --> 00:25:45,754 [gentle music playing on TV] 644 00:25:49,215 --> 00:25:50,091 -Can I help you? 645 00:25:51,468 --> 00:25:53,178 -I figured you'd look like that. 646 00:25:53,303 --> 00:25:56,556 -Just a primitive ball of muscle. 647 00:25:56,681 --> 00:25:58,475 -Wait, you... you're David Robichek, 648 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,185 the-the-the big shot lawyer. 649 00:26:00,310 --> 00:26:03,563 -Yep. And you're Matt Bennett. 650 00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:05,065 That's your car parked outside, right? 651 00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:07,317 -Yeah. I-I just installed your wireless fence. 652 00:26:07,442 --> 00:26:10,320 -Based on what my wife told me, you did a lot more than that. 653 00:26:10,445 --> 00:26:13,239 -Oh, yeah, well, I, I checked out the plumbing in the back. 654 00:26:13,365 --> 00:26:14,741 You know, poked around a little bit. 655 00:26:14,866 --> 00:26:16,826 -You son of a bitch! -Whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. 656 00:26:16,951 --> 00:26:18,203 I just wanted to see where the poop goes. 657 00:26:18,328 --> 00:26:19,329 Your wife seemed fine with it. 658 00:26:19,454 --> 00:26:21,873 -Okay, stop it! -Okay. 659 00:26:21,998 --> 00:26:24,959 -I just need to know your secret. 660 00:26:25,085 --> 00:26:26,294 -My secret? 661 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,924 -What makes you such an incredible lover? 662 00:26:32,258 --> 00:26:35,595 I mean, how do you cast such a spell over women? 663 00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,555 -Um... -You know what? I'll pay you. 664 00:26:38,390 --> 00:26:40,767 I'll pay you $1,000 to watch. 665 00:26:41,309 --> 00:26:42,852 -To, to watch what? 666 00:26:42,977 --> 00:26:44,813 -Fine, I'll pay you $5,000. 667 00:26:44,938 --> 00:26:47,774 But not with my wife. I don't think I can handle that. 668 00:26:47,899 --> 00:26:49,984 -Ok-- Am-- am I missing something here? 669 00:26:50,110 --> 00:26:52,404 -Oh, Jesus Christ, do I have to spell it out for you? 670 00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:55,115 I will pay you $5,000 to watch you 671 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,701 have sex with your wife. -What? 672 00:26:57,826 --> 00:26:59,994 -I could be mad at you, 673 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,496 but I'm not. 674 00:27:02,497 --> 00:27:04,708 Truth is, I'm envious. 675 00:27:04,833 --> 00:27:09,170 You're obviously a stallion of some kind, and I'm... not. 676 00:27:10,171 --> 00:27:11,881 I wanna learn from a master. 677 00:27:13,675 --> 00:27:15,010 -Five grand? 678 00:27:15,135 --> 00:27:16,052 [pen scribbling] 679 00:27:22,642 --> 00:27:23,852 [pen clicks] 680 00:27:29,524 --> 00:27:30,900 Would you excuse me? 681 00:27:37,365 --> 00:27:39,701 [shoes clomping] 682 00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:45,415 Uh... Susan? 683 00:27:45,540 --> 00:27:47,625 -Yeah. -Um... 684 00:27:49,544 --> 00:27:53,715 I'm gonna ask you something, and it may scare you at first, 685 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:57,218 but before you say no, just think about it. 686 00:27:57,344 --> 00:27:58,428 -What is it? 687 00:28:01,348 --> 00:28:03,516 -Would you... 688 00:28:03,641 --> 00:28:06,269 have sex with me while another guy watches? 689 00:28:07,604 --> 00:28:10,065 -[laughs] Oh, Matty! 690 00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:12,609 Of course I would! 691 00:28:12,734 --> 00:28:14,277 -Really? Susan: Oh! 692 00:28:14,736 --> 00:28:17,072 Thank you, Cosmopolitan. 693 00:28:21,659 --> 00:28:23,286 Matty: I'm ready. Susan: Can you find it? 694 00:28:23,411 --> 00:28:25,038 -I'll just move it a little. Matty: Yeah. 695 00:28:25,163 --> 00:28:27,749 -Mr. Robichek, would you like some coffee? 696 00:28:27,874 --> 00:28:30,001 -No, I'm fine. I'm just here to watch the sex. 697 00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:31,670 -All right, well, here we go. 698 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:37,342 [Susan squeaking] 699 00:28:39,636 --> 00:28:41,805 [Matty grunts, exhales sharply] 700 00:28:43,431 --> 00:28:44,766 -And that oughta do it. 701 00:28:44,891 --> 00:28:45,850 -That's it? 702 00:28:45,975 --> 00:28:48,269 -That's how my dad showed me. 703 00:28:49,979 --> 00:28:52,023 -Now I'm more confused than ever. 704 00:28:54,442 --> 00:28:55,944 [Mr. Robichek scoffs] 705 00:28:57,195 --> 00:28:58,780 -Matty. -[chuckles] 706 00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:00,115 You're all better. 707 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:01,366 -Yeah, I guess so. 708 00:29:01,491 --> 00:29:04,786 -Oh. I love you so much. 709 00:29:04,911 --> 00:29:06,705 -Well, same here. 710 00:29:08,790 --> 00:29:15,005 -And I want you to know, whatever kinks you may have, 711 00:29:15,130 --> 00:29:17,716 you can always tell me. 712 00:29:17,841 --> 00:29:19,718 -Jesus Christ, Susan. 713 00:29:19,843 --> 00:29:22,053 Why do you gotta ruin everything? 714 00:29:22,178 --> 00:29:24,556 [???] 715 00:29:31,479 --> 00:29:33,732 -Wow, you look fantastic. 716 00:29:33,857 --> 00:29:35,150 -Ted, what are you doing here? 717 00:29:35,275 --> 00:29:37,736 -Look, I had to come here and tell you. 718 00:29:37,861 --> 00:29:39,529 I really am in love with you. 719 00:29:39,654 --> 00:29:41,990 And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. 720 00:29:42,115 --> 00:29:43,950 Which could possibly be, like, a thousand years. 721 00:29:44,075 --> 00:29:45,493 We ain't really figured that one out yet. 722 00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:47,996 But I can be a better man to you than he ever could. 723 00:29:48,121 --> 00:29:50,540 -Ted... I can't. 724 00:29:51,291 --> 00:29:54,377 -What? Is this because I took that eight dollars? 725 00:29:54,502 --> 00:29:55,879 -What? -Oh, uh-- It's-- 726 00:29:56,004 --> 00:29:57,047 Never mind. Nothing. 727 00:29:57,172 --> 00:29:59,466 -Look, you're very sweet. 728 00:29:59,591 --> 00:30:02,677 And what we had was fun and wonderful. 729 00:30:02,802 --> 00:30:04,929 But David and I are gonna try and make things work. 730 00:30:05,263 --> 00:30:07,265 -But he's an asshole. 731 00:30:07,390 --> 00:30:09,351 -You've only seen one side of him. 732 00:30:09,476 --> 00:30:10,810 -I went up on you. 733 00:30:10,935 --> 00:30:14,564 -David came home last night remorseful and contrite. 734 00:30:14,689 --> 00:30:16,691 He told me he still loves me more than life itself. 735 00:30:16,816 --> 00:30:18,735 And something else about having no idea 736 00:30:18,860 --> 00:30:19,903 the sexual bar was so low. 737 00:30:20,028 --> 00:30:21,488 But anyway, 738 00:30:21,613 --> 00:30:23,448 he's my husband, and I'm gonna keep him. 739 00:30:23,907 --> 00:30:25,075 -But-- -I know you'll find 740 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:28,119 that special person that you can share your life with. 741 00:30:28,912 --> 00:30:32,248 She'll be all yours, not someone else's. 742 00:30:32,374 --> 00:30:33,333 Mr. Robichek: You good, hon? 743 00:30:33,458 --> 00:30:34,959 -Um, I'll be ready in a minute. 744 00:30:35,085 --> 00:30:35,960 Mr. Robichek: Who's at the door? 745 00:30:36,086 --> 00:30:38,380 Mrs. Robichek: It's nobody, sweetheart. 746 00:30:39,756 --> 00:30:41,091 Goodbye, Ted. 747 00:30:42,717 --> 00:30:45,553 [somber music playing] 748 00:30:57,982 --> 00:31:00,527 -[crying] I'll never find anybody else. 749 00:31:00,652 --> 00:31:03,238 There'll never be another Mrs. Robichek. 750 00:31:03,363 --> 00:31:05,490 -[crying continues] -Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry. 751 00:31:05,615 --> 00:31:07,784 -I wish you'd never wished me alive. 752 00:31:07,909 --> 00:31:09,994 I can't handle the agony. 753 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:12,872 -Everything's gonna be okay. All right? You'll see. 754 00:31:12,997 --> 00:31:15,750 -No. There will never be another woman for me. 755 00:31:15,875 --> 00:31:17,585 Not ever. 756 00:31:17,711 --> 00:31:20,005 [crying continues] 757 00:31:20,130 --> 00:31:21,381 [somber piano music playing] 758 00:31:21,506 --> 00:31:24,092 I never saw Mrs. Robichek again after that. 759 00:31:24,217 --> 00:31:26,678 I heard she and her husband moved to Barcelona. 760 00:31:26,803 --> 00:31:29,305 Eventually my pain subsided. 761 00:31:29,431 --> 00:31:32,308 And then one day years later, at an adults-only flea market, 762 00:31:32,434 --> 00:31:33,643 who did I run into 763 00:31:33,768 --> 00:31:35,770 but the old purple dildo. 764 00:31:35,895 --> 00:31:37,981 He had some scratches and a few dog bites. 765 00:31:38,106 --> 00:31:39,649 But it was him, all right. 766 00:31:39,774 --> 00:31:41,067 We exchanged a few laughs 767 00:31:41,192 --> 00:31:43,028 and then went our separate ways. 768 00:31:43,153 --> 00:31:44,779 We didn't say goodbye, though. 769 00:31:44,904 --> 00:31:47,323 I guess we both wanted to keep the door open. 770 00:31:47,449 --> 00:31:49,534 Occasionally I'll put an ad in the classifieds, 771 00:31:49,659 --> 00:31:51,411 see if he answers. 772 00:31:51,536 --> 00:31:52,328 You ever feel like you don't know 773 00:31:52,454 --> 00:31:54,289 when to stop talking? 774 00:31:54,414 --> 00:31:56,499 [???] 775 00:31:58,251 --> 00:32:01,004 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 776 00:32:01,129 --> 00:32:05,300 ? Oh, you've got a headful ? ? Of someone dreadful ? 777 00:32:05,425 --> 00:32:08,303 ? And yet, alas ? ? That someone adores you ? 778 00:32:10,096 --> 00:32:13,683 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 779 00:32:13,808 --> 00:32:16,186 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 780 00:32:16,311 --> 00:32:19,731 ? I'm just a clown ? 781 00:32:19,856 --> 00:32:23,068 ? And I'll bring you down ? 782 00:32:23,193 --> 00:32:24,986 ? But you just don't care ? 783 00:32:25,111 --> 00:32:29,199 ? 'Cause your ? 784 00:32:29,324 --> 00:32:31,493 ? Best friend is me ? 785 00:32:31,618 --> 00:32:33,870 [???] 786 00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:38,470 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0